Cathara

It’s been months since I wrote my last real post. When I say real, it is when I write from the heart. Previous entries were just for the sake of this and that and of writing something. I didn't care much about my pagerank, sponsors, visitors and anything that has to do with blogging (and that means I don't need to be paid yet, lol).

I am back in Davao for a variety of reasons. But predominantly; 1. I miss my family, 2. My grandfather and best friend are sick and, 3. I am in a point where I want change. And when I got the chance, I asked my best friend to immediately book a ticket for me before I change my mind.

I know I’ll get bored at home so I applied for a job in Davao 4 days after I arrived. Luckily, I got the job and started last July 21st. Modesty aside, it was predictable but I wasn’t as excited as when I got jobs in Manila. Still, I like to think that moving to a different place and job would be a part of the change I was looking for. It maybe not the same as the good changes happened to me in Manila for more than 2 years but hopefully…close:D (I’m crossing my fingers).

Everything seemed brightly ok when I got back. But it was tainted when Lolo and EJ’s stay in the hospital seemed to last forever. It wasn’t part of the change I was expecting. Before and after I started my job, I stayed in the hospital for weeks to look after my grandpa. I visit my best friend after work too. Hospital became my home for quiet a while. I got sick and I hate it! I felt like their sickness devoured me. I would also hate to detail why coz I know I wrote about it in my last year’s post 'Hospital, road to perdition'.

Lolo is 81 years old and he has throat cancer. It existed because he used to smoke. Lola doesn’t know about it and it hurts me. It was like hiding a heinous crime but for her sake. Six tests were done before we found out that he has cancer. The laboratory people didn’t find any result before the 6th test and concluded it was just an inflammation. We hoped that it was but to make sure, I was asked to pass another tissue sample. I can’t remember when I was told about his illness but I know it was a Monday, a mourning Monday. The doctor said he expects him to live for 1 to 2 years. Though Lolo couldn't speak at that time yet, I saw his teary eyes and it made me undestood he got depressed with his situation. He got thinner everyday that I weigh more than him because he couldn't eat.

I don’t want him to leave yet. But I also don’t want him to suffer and die in pain.

Though, Lolo was always been a survivor. He was brought to the hospital for a number of times and still lived to tell the tale. I wasn’t here for him before and I could remember myself crying at work. I worried too much that I purposely dropped all the calls I received.

When I was a kid, I already thought that these people who raised me will one day leave. And just even thinking about it scares me and makes me cry to sleep. There would always be a time that they will go. And it’s already happening before I come to mind. These days, we eat at our dining table together but without my Lolo anymore. I just had few meals with him (only soup for him) in our table since I got back. Now, my cousin nurses him and feed him through a tube to his stomach. It saddens me. He couldn’t even speak well because of his tracheotomy. What is left to me are memories of him, and it makes me miss him more everyday. I miss him even if I'm as close as sleeping beside him.

I desperately want to see him again. I want to see my grandpa who diligently prepares my breakfast everyday, who prepares hot water for my bath. I want my Lolo who never gets tired of telling his love stories and escapades in pure Batangueno accent. I still want to see him doing sit-ups and jogging in the morning. I missed seeing him biking to our farm and gets back with a bundle of fruits.


I remember whenever I commit mistakes naively or not, he asks me to eat first. That gives me a signal that I did something wrong (I cry even before I know what mistake I made :D) and he tells me the right thing to do after. I wouldn’t forget the time when I made a major mistake coz he just forgivably said: “Ang problema ko lang sayo Cath eh ‘di ka nagsasabi ng problema mo” (My only problem with you Cath is you don’t tell your problems).

We definitely don’t know what will happen next but I wish things will be back to normal soon. If not normal...better. And if I am in the middle of a nightmare, I beg you to wake me up.

I said enough... but that doesn't mean I'm thinking all about sorrows and how unlucky I am while writing this. But how I could spend more time with him before he forgets I’m his favorite loving grand-daughter.
:D I say it with tongue in cheek. :D