Thanksgiving & Our Happy Christmas 2008 Photos

I like this shot. I am honestly thankful and happy

My 2008 has been a series of entrances and exits. Anything and everything were new to me at one point or another. All were temporary and borrowed. The doors weren’t that easy to go into and go out from. They were locked, sealed, and protected. So, getting in to where I am now is like winning in a maze challenge with my head facing the sky.

For the past 12 months, I haven’t stayed in a place for too long. Whether I’m talking about a job, shelter, or even a person I could trust things with. Why can’t I stay for a year in one place without hurrying up to go somewhere else again? Sometimes I wonder why I was forcedly brought out into this world at 7 months old when I could have stayed in my mother’s womb for quiet longer. See how I came out and started my life in a rush and continuing it rushing? If I was an accident child and nobody wants me even before I was born, why did I live and what’s my purpose? Was it hard living now because of how and where I grew up? Why happiness to me means staying away from my family while many desire to be with them? I hope answers would come easily as well as questions.

Shameful as it may seem, but I can admit that it wasn’t a happy journey. Though, it doesn’t necessarily mean I wasn’t happy and I’m an unhappy person. The passage was narrow as a pin’s hole that a thread could only get in. It’s like I should always be undersized, kind & gentle to people I come across before I could pass through the doors. Yet, I only just realized I shouldn’t really care about those people. I hate it when I’m too good and forgivable. I envy some people I know who are strong, brutally honest, and frank. I wish I wouldn’t think before I speak and could say knee-jerk feedback right to my rival’s face.

But then again, I am very grateful for 2008. If I would end up this year by moving, at least it means forward and future. My life might be as sorrowfully lonely as it may appear but it is really not.

I am thankful to myself who stood still and stays as she is despite the harm and disturbance that were condemned on her. You’re just impaired and you’re the best person who could fix that. I am happy for what you are, what you've achieved and for what you’re about to achieve.

I am thankful to my boyfriend who loves me and whom I love loving in return. It’s funny how you said you want my drama but it’s one of the sweetest words I got from you. I may hate you and want you in a moment or two but I love it that way. You are still the highlights of my day and you made me smile for hundred more times this year. You are truly a dear friend and I want that to stay forever no matter what.

To my best friend, EJ whom I can’t tell everything about because things are different now, I’m sorry. But I’m very grateful that you care about me and support me all the way. I thank you for staying strong and positive even if things weren’t going well. You are one of a kind, a real hero and a fighter. You secretly left this exact message in my locker 6 years ago and I think it’s my time to return the message to you- “I can’t imagine my world without you.”

To my cousins who are my pseudo kids, thank you for making me your pseudo mom. I am very pleased that you kept asking me to come back here with you instead of wanting to be free from my sermons and orders. I couldn’t picture any other teenage kids who would want that.

Thank you to my grandma’s brother, Lolo Seniong who was always been the family’s mediator. I felt how you cared about me and how you want me to fight for my rights and for what is really mine. Thank you for the encouraging words and believing in my ability.

I thank my biological mom, Mommy Baby who stood by me for the good times and bad. I am very proud of how you swallowed your pride and accepted your mistakes. Thank you for believing and trusting me that I can start all over again. As you said, we maybe have a gap; you weren’t the best mother, but you ARE my mother. I believe that. And yes Mommy Baby, just one year. Thank you for the demanding dare.

I thank my grandma who loves me so much more than her real sons and daughters. I can’t be thankful enough for how you stick to your words even if Lolo’s not around anymore to defend it. And even if it would mean they would hate you for the rest of their lives. I also thank you for giving me back my independence and right to speak up.

Now here, I don’t mean I’m completely okay with what these people did to me. I won’t forget the day you embarrassed me in front of our relatives who acted as witnesses. The long table where we had our conference would rest in my head until I don’t know when. So to my aunts and uncles who made me believe that your intentions were true, thank you… For the bad things and threats you’ve thrown upon me, thank you… Get what is really mine, I don’t care. I felt a little stab of guilt when I said some hurting words but I am not sorry for it. You should have heard more. You just gave me the best reason not to help you again and see your faces another time. You challenge me more to achieve more things and prove you all wrong. So I thank you very much.

At the end of the day, life is too short to spend most of it dwelling on the negatives. So thanking is a good way to count your blessings and become more optimistic. And I think I am not really responsible for how and where I grew up. If I don’t know what my purpose is, I don’t think it really matters. All I know is I HAVE a purpose. For now, I would let those questions remain as questions. Because I still have 2009 and more years to continue to move on and live. Who knows, answers may be just somewhere I could pick up once I start another journey.

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Happy Christmas 2008!

no matter how serious we could get (with Bubbles's behind)

not to mention, a little formal

we still make way for our craziness

more photos in my friendster

Wishlist and My Shorter Hair

Dear Santa,

Be kind to me please? I think I wasn’t really really good this year but I want my wishes granted! I’m still a kid! :p

So,

I want to have these:
+ A Canon EOS 50D or Canon Powershot g9
+ Wacom Bamboo
+ MacBook Air
+ Money, money, money, I won’t mind if you drop an amount on my paypal :P
+ Brand new paints, charcoals, sketchbook...but if you can give me the wacom, it’s ok even if I won’t get these :D

these are my dry old paints and charcoals :(

I know I’m being too ambitious but I’m so ok with not so costly gifts too :P

+ Massage, Spa, Hot oil
+ New nail polish, dresses, pair of pants, shoes, and accessories
+ Coffee, karaoke, and movie trip with my close friends I haven’t seen for a very long time
+ Batangas trip with my cousins
+ A new webcam
+ Surprises

And to make my 2009 happier

+ A good job that won’t need so much of my time but my skills
+ Approval of my Schengen visa application
+ Travel
+ More love and happiness
+ Good health

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Anyway,

and with my white tiger :D

Short Hair Escape

Goodbye to my long curly black hair

“What the ehhfff?” – is what I kept hearing from my brother when he saw me last dull Sunday evening. It was the first Sunday of cold December. He and my cousins were like seeing a stranger in front of them.

“Magpapatattoo ka na ba?” (Are you already getting a tattoo?)
“Hindi pa ha!” (Not yet)

He knew how I’m dying to have a tattoo particularly on the neck part but I’m not brave enough to face pain and sharp objects.

“Eh bakit ka nagpagupit? Ganyan ka na ba kadesperado?” (Why did you have a haircut? Are you that desperate?)
“What would I be desperate of?” I guiltily answered. “Well…sort of”- I added to somewhat cover my guilt.

They couldn’t believe of what they saw because they knew how I liked my hair long and curly and they usually see me trim them for only 7 inches.

After so many doubts about making changes with my hair, finally, I decided to have a shorter cut. I doubted because I had that long curly hair for half a decade already and I was torn between regret and wanting a change. I didn’t consult anyone about my hair, it’s my crowning glory. And what makes me a guy?, "Never dictate me of how my hair should look like" is what I answered in 3 ways that you are stereotypically a guy.

It was about 5 or 6 years ago when I discovered my nice curls. Before that was just a classic pigtailed hair on top of my head. Then one day in front of a mirror, I freed my hair and realized what I’ve been keeping. And it was the time of a very bad break up with an ex boyfriend. The makeover helped me move on, date someone else, feel attractive and sexy.

I think wanting a physical change is always on top of the list and what usually happens to people especially with women who experience heartbreak. It’s like wanting to be out of an old self who wasn’t maybe good enough to her partner or simply wanting to forget the heartache. But physical change could also mean turning to food and gain weight or forgetting a hair cut and shaving. Or worse, get addicted to alcohol and never change clothes. Well, that’s what I was told about by an old special friend.

But this time was different for me. I didn’t break up with anyone yet, lol. If truth be told, my heart is so broken for a different reason. The majority part of my year was full of desperation, trauma and hurting that I might say someday. And these bad experiences mold me into a stronger, positive person. But because I want to try to forget the anger that’s making my soul feel hell, I’m escaping by moving out from that old self. I witnessed how she was slowly killed and how she suffered. And I can’t tolerate it anymore. So all this cutting means more of the urge to look better, satisfied, and new. I didn’t regret not doing this sooner coz I was contented of my long, black, curly hair. I was married with that hairstyle for years and we’ve passed all the good and bad weather together. I know someday we’ll meet again coz my hair will grow anyway. :D

Paul said I look like Lee Hwa Young (Cassandra Lee) of 'My Husband's Woman' teleseries. No way would I be another woman! But a good sign, I look more asian now...

That hair I was married with before have heard all the bad and good criticisms for years. Most of the time it’s dry and frizzy and half the time it’s tame and controllable. That’s what makes it wild and daring. It remarked me as a doll, amazona, Vj Ala, Shakira, Magdalene, Bob Marley, Sto. Nino and anyone else I don’t even know. It helped me get many opportunities. My hair always intrigues new people I meet. I look less Filipina and constantly mistaken as one of the chikas or woman of the south. I think it’s because typical Filipina wants a typical straight hair. And while I desired to keep my hair all natural, it gave many people the impression that I am a deviant. See how shampoo commercials evolved into an epidemic and devoured people’s mind, huh? Plus 90% of the gays I encountered in salons want me to have a rebond. And because I got tired explaining how I like my hair the natural way, I simply say I got no money to have a rebond, I’ll surely come back when I can. I give them a fake smile and twinkling eyes while I say ‘I never will’ at the back of my head.

So now, I’ll keep it short and curly while I don’t have any plans yet of changing it straight or colored. Now I feel sexier flaunting my back, shoulders, and neck without the need of tying my hair. This hair would look incredible with a halter, tube, earrings and some accessories. But you know what’s funny, I feel like a high school tomboy. :P

Anyway, I really love the feeling carrying a weightless hair and it makes me feel happy. It’s very important to be happy after so much pain. And it’s not so important to spend a lot or less just to look good. What matters most is how satisfied you are with yourself and how good you are inside that reflects how well you get along with others.

The Dream Match

It’s another victory for our champ Manny Pacquiao and for us, Filipinos. It's totally an early Christmas present. I think I’ve congratulated him for many times in this blog and I would never get tired doing this. In my own little way, I would want to be part of the history he just made and still going to make.

The Dream match of Oscar De la Hoya and Pacquiao became a nightmare for De la Hoya and a sweet-dream-come-true for Pac-man. I love how their match was compared to Obama-Mc Cain’s battle. Pacquiao is evidently Obama who’s young yet jam-packed with heart for his aim. While on the other corner of the ring, here’s De la Hoya who’s old yet very experienced. And they’re both good looking with a mixture of impatient looks (I saw photos of Mc Cain when he was younger)?!?! Nonetheless, I see a big resemblance between Obama and Pacquiao on how they charmingly smile during most of their interviews and when being introduced. Though you may see the obvious detailed difference like- Obama is very articulate as he speaks the language he “grew up” with that touched millions including myself, but I think Manny is too. How he mumbled and rumbled the English words that maybe are funny and shameful for some Filipino people and those who pretend that didn’t get “everything” he said doesn’t really matter at all. Shame on you because his heart already spoke a lot during the fight and I see his improvements. Can’t you just be happy and proud he won?

On the good side of this story, I was expecting Pac-man to win just like the other viewers. De la Hoya wasn’t really throwing good punches since the first round and I feel very sorry about how bad he was hurt. His slow movements and strikes didn’t impress me. And I was so disappointed with the way it ended. I wanted a real knock-out! But I can’t deny how I admire his looks, body and I feel he has a good heart too. What I like about him is his being simple and confident but not too arrogant like the other Mexicans that Pac-man defeated. I know women who feel the same would die if they’ll see me date the Golden Boy haha! Kidding aside, he’s a 10th time world champion and he’s worth admiring. Even Pac-man idolized him. I was teary-eyed when they exchanged sweet sentences inside the ring after the fight. He humbly accepted his defeat and replied “No, you’re my idol”- to Pac-man. So I don’t think he should really feel bad about losing especially now that he’s at the peak of his retirement. But I could not speak everything for him and I don’t know what’s really inside his boxer’s heart. Anyhow, I know he’s happy about the big money he would get either way.:P

I wish Lolo was still alive so he was able to watch the dream match. Earlier, I just imagined him watching there in Mandalay and seating in the front row. I know he’s happy so I’m happy. I would always miss how we watched all Pacquiao’s fight in fake dvd from 8 AM to PM.

Though disappointed with the fight, I’m very happy Pac-man won. Pacquiao’s victory again made me proud being a Filipino.